The good, the bad and the ugly - From facebook to defacebook

As most of you might have noticed, my activity level on facebook has gone up drastically in the recent months. I see the junta is a little too happy with the commenting feature. It is an amazing feature since you can have banal conversations over a common friend's intellect-boasting, one-liner-plagiarizing or just joblessness-revealing status messages and bitch about them in public. Its absolute fun and I love it.

On the other hand, there are myriad dumps of nonsensical quizzes, suggestion boxes, fortune cookies and things like that whose lifetime is shorter than a housefly’s. I have actually been pinged by acquaintances trying to lure me to be their ally in some of the games (Mafia Wars & Farmville mostly) that facebook seems to have turned into movements (As Bholu aptly put it while convincing me to join farmville). And when I say acquaintances, I mean people whom you ping when you have all the time in the world and absolutely nobody’s head to fuck around with. An unadulterated excerpt of one such conversation:

2:15 AM Acquaintance: Dude

2:16 AM Join Dota wars

me: yuppp!

Acquaintance: abey kab

me: wots thaat?

Acquaintance: abhi join karo yaar

2:17 AM http://apps.facebook.com/dota-wars/

Yeh lo

me: agar ye facebook pe koi bakar chutiyap hai to im the wrng target

Acquaintance: Ab join karo yaar

Abey team badani hai mujhe

Kar na

Just join my team

2:19 AM me: ghantaaaa babaji kaaa

And so people kept banging their heads against a wall. I have never registered in any such game. Have played some movie quizzes though. I love the basics and stick to them.

Since all this was not enough, the oh-so-out-of-the-box thinkers keep coming up with new ideas to help people kill valuable office time. A newly added feature on the home page recently caught my eye. It gives you suggestions to write on other friends’ walls and get in touch with them. People you have long forgotten or vice versa. In both the cases, writing on his wall would not make much of a difference to the uncourteous relationship that we both share so dispassionately. Come to think of it, why in the world would I need suggestions about whom should I be in touch with? And anyway, the home page shoves all sorts of updates (most of which are less insignificant and more inconsequential than fly-swatting scores) from every single contact in my 3 digit long friend list on my home page. So either this long forgotten friend (rather acquaintance) of mine is either a once in a blue moon visitor to your site or he simply does not have time for such kind of idling. Hell, even if he is hyperactive on the site, I have obviously not cared to give the slightest bit of importance to updates from him/her or vice versa. So why does anyone care?

For the sake of it, let’s just consider writing on his/her wall. Let’s assume his name is Sucker. What would the wall post be like?

"Hey Sucker! You still seem to be invisible to the world. I never noticed you were in my friend list. You still suck. Just like old times."

Or “Hey Sucker! You’ve bloated up so bad I’ve been thinking you were someone else. Needless to say your name didn’t ring a bell”

Or some sugar coated line with a similar hidden meaning.

On a serious note, a simple “Hey Sucker! Whats up?” will also not make much sense and receive something on the lines of “I’m good. How’re you?”, which will again end up being an inconsequential discussion. So why waste time in the first place. Aren’t we already surrounded with shitloads of stuff to kill time? Why not use it on something like crazy taxi which will at least do some good to our reflexes?

Whats next...?

Yesterday night, I celebrated a double whammy weekend. First weekend of my desperately awaited job and first weekend on a foreign land which I prefer to call 'No country for old men' (I will throw some light on this opinion later if possible). I celebrated the weekend at an Indian night club, which was unexpectedly 'Indian' for me. I somehow managed to drag myself to the dance floor, which was scanty of the fairer sex, and burnt a few calories. Today was obviously a lazy day but by dusk my outdoorsy self pulled me and Rhino out of our beds. We exited the hotel and decided to walk aimlessly in the souq (a nearby market) and do some shopping while we are at it. I started to make a mental things-to-buy list.

As soon as I stepped into the streets of the souq, I realized that I was fed up of rambling in those streets. Suddenly I felt a strong urge to hire a cab to Hoora (another market a few kilometers away); but unfortunately in this city where petrol is cheaper than water, taxis are a luxury for people like me. "What an irony", I groaned to myself, and shared my bold new idea with my ramble-mate. "Let us walk till hoora", I proposed casually. I have tried long walks in the past and I feel it is the best way to familiarize with a city. Unfortunately, Rhino felt otherwise. He acted like I never said anything, sat down on a pavement and wished there was a 'chai ka tapra' (tea stall) there. As I sat next to him, the cool breeze cleansed my face and washed my hair with the oceanic moisture. I wished time had gone on a vacation. Seconds later, both of us found ourselves cursing the omnipresent airconditioning in unison. I suddenly missed the sparrow that I spotted on the road divider two days back. I wished I could see it again. It was the only bird I had seen since I arrived.

Five minutes later, Rhino unexpectedly decided to go with my idea and we walked on. Minutes later, I found myself walking alone as Rhino resorted to his cellphone call. I felt more at ease as I have walked alone in the streets of unfamilier cities many times earlier and I have loved it for some reason. Besides, I had the liberty to walk anywhere and drag him along like a pet dog taken out for a poo. Its funny how unbelievably obedient people become when on a call. While walking through the crowd, I looked at the godessly beautiful women with astonishingly flawless skin and childishly innocent, disarming eyes. I suddenly realized that I had stopped staring at every other woman and felt proud.

One week in this Kingdom and I have started cursing airconditioning when maximum tempreture crosses 40C everyday, missing sparrows and feeling proud about not cheking out beautiful women. God knows what this "No country for old men" has in store for me next.

These women from Venus

Although I've never been put in the MCP category by any feminists around me, I do believe in the stereotype about women being bad drivers. In fact, i think it is about automobiles rather than driving. With my experiences, I tend to feel that there is some biology behind it. A recent conversation with a friend from Venus over formula one has just reinforced my belief. Excerpts...

Me: Pizza, Coke and a formula one race. What a perfect way to spend a sunday evening....(some facts about Monaco).

Her: I'm not interested in formula one racing because I don't feel its 'sporty enough'.

Me: (WTF!) Well, your disinterest is fine but I don't find your reason convincing enough.

Her: Hmm...You see, there is not enough physical exertion involved.

Me: (WTF! With a frown) Do you have any idea what the driver goes through during the race?

Her: Ya. I very well know they loose a few kilos and experience quite enormous G forces, but you can hardly call that exertion. I mean look at other sports, the players sweat and pant and work their ass out, but that doesn't happen with a formula one driver.

Me: (Do you have any fucking idea that you just let out an ocean of nonsensical garbage from your mouth?). I think its perfectly fits the definition of sport. It involves skill, teamwork, strategy, physical exertion (contrary to what you so strongly 'feel') and on top of that loads of excitement.

Her: I choose to disagree. I think it it like chess and scrabble and it shouldn't be categorized as sport.

Me: (:-O...God, forgive her, for she knows not what she speaks) Lets not continue this discussion any further dear (as it will be a disgrace to formula one racing and will only lead me to suspect that you have actually lost your mind).

A friend (who also has high regard for the fairer sex) mentions in his blog a woman wanting to lose weight so that she can put on weight again. I once had an argument over the reason behind a girl fucking up the spelling of her name. Turned out she found the correct spelling 'boring'. I'm sure every man has his share of these unfathomable conversations, and they invariably make you feel there is more to it than just bad driving. For now, lets just assume they don't have automobiles on Venus.

P.S. - Some interesting F1 facts here.

How I Met Yappy...

It had been a good day and I was waiting at the platform for the train when a gentleman approached me and attempted to start a conversation. Realizing I have another hour to pass, I gave a friendly response to his inquisition. This later turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I had shown a matchstick to a fireworks factory. I had unknowingly unleashed one of the longest tongues in the history of mankind. From then on, Yappy (I will hereon refer to him with this name as I didn't know his name at this point) did most of the talking. I spoke a little for the first few minutes, but then realized the guy needed no responses to talk and realized I was in big trouble. So I just played with my cellphone, texted friends, checked my mail, checked out the hot middle-aged-woman in the red saree for several minutes until she noticed me, while he revealed enough information about himself to prepare a fully detailed resume, even give another an interview on his behalf.

I let out a deep sigh of relief when the train finally arrived after an hour. I thought the overwhelming crowd might save me from this torment while Yappy prepared to board the same bogey as I did. Five minutes later, I found myself struggling with my briefcase in the middle of a compartment, the crowd still pushing from all directions, while Yappy gave me a big childish grin with an empty seat next to him. 'DAMN!', I thought.

Without waiting for a minute to let the crowd settle down, Yappy continued. Top of the mind recalls are: how Yappy had to continuously travel to visit his clients, how Yappy's boss cheated him and how he started his current business, how his brother lost his mind and started running naked on the streets, how his sister got married to her unreasonably ugly husband, how he found the love of his life, spent a fortune on her and her brother while dating her and eventually got ditched, how ill-cultured the generation has become, how he was so impressed by me being a teetotaller, vegetarian virgin (God knows what made him assume all this crap), how he set up the shop that his sister now runs, how he once caught a woman shoplifting, how the bitchy girl from his neighborhood flirted with guys and he helped her deliver love letters, how she slept with her boyfriends and eventually got married to a nice guy who must be foolishly assuming she was a virgin.......And a lot more. As my eyelids became heavier, my brain froze and my ear drums went numb; I yawned, pretended to fall asleep, talked (to give my ear drums a little rest), pressed random keys on my cellphone, even made a zombie-like expression; but he just babbled away to glory. By the time I got down at my destination and bid him goodbye with droopy eyes and exhausted ear drums and a significantly lower active brain cell count, the minute hand of my Esprit had almost completed 4 rounds of the dial. By now, I was well-versed with enough facts about Yappy to write his biography.

The incident reminded me of my elders telling me not to befriend strangers whenever I boarded any train. I believe them now and swear to always follow their advice while travelling.

Shitcasts on the boob tube...

Its been a few weeks since I started my job hunt. Since then, 24 hours have consistently been longer than they have been in quite some time. It reminds me of the idleness that overfilled my days 10 months back and pushed me into the blog world. A lot of people dealing with this phase (which W.T.F.Iceman aptly decribes as B.O.O.B.S. in his blog) turn to the idiot box. So I once again tried it against my wish and found nothing much has changed about the idiot box in 10 months. I'd like to make a mention of a few channels which I prefer to comfortably skip while surfing.

Family channels-For obvious reasons. I've been skipping them for as long as I remember and am absolutely clueless about what they show. A few discovered by W.T.F.Iceman can be read in his above mentioned blog.

MTV-MTV is one channel that sure as hell is making shit-loads of money with Roadies and Splitsvilla on every teenager's (and surprisingly a lot of adults') mind. I don't have any problems with the concept of these shows in particular, but I really don't get why are these seemingly the only shows on MTV. Turn on MTV at any hour and you will find one of these two. If not, check whats next and you will find them. Why the hell can't they play some quality music at other times? I'd suggest they change their name, cause it sure ain't music what they play.

News channels-These should seriously consider renaming the category itself. I even have a suggestion. They should collectively call themselves 'Abuse Channels' because they have literally been shamelessly abusing the very concept of news for several years now. All they do is pick up any and every miniscule scandal and use their expertise to exaggerate it, or just pick up any scandalizable enough event and make it look like a BEEEG SCANDAL. Apart from this, they also specialize in making opinion shows out of thin air. Just two days back I came across a show which was showing optional makeovers for political personalities suggested by some fashion designers and the public opinion on those makeovers. It was nauseating. WHY THE FUCK would I (or anyone for that matter) want to know what percentage of their retarded ignorant muthafuckin' viewers think of Sonia Gandhi's makeover. For all I care, they might want to see her in a see through bikini. So Fuck it!...AND FUCK THEM TOO }:-|

One common trait of all these channels is that these shows are repeated over and over as many times as possible so that the viewers can reproduce everything word by word even after a shot of horse tranquilizer. I am desperately waiting for the day when this putrid pile of shitshows will exhaust and the perpetual torture be put to and end. Till then, lets make do with NatGeo, Discovery and the movie channels.

In need of Defiance

I've always had a thing for movies based on true stories, and the kind of movies I've seen in the last two years during my MBA have only deepened my interest in them. The reason that these movies impress me so much is that they are based on actual events and are not the brainchild of a fiction author. This very fact makes them interesting for someone like me who doesn't like to read motivational books and prefers to be pragmatic. The last addition in this list was Daniel Craig's Defiance. I watched this movie when I was having a low day and the movie really set my mood rolling. The movie is about the Bielski brothers who lead a group of Jews taking shelter in the forests, making settlements in order to save them from Nazis during the second world war.

There is a lot we can learn from such movies. I'll list down a few things that I noticed in this movie.

1. A tinge of arrogance is unavoidable when you are leading a group not as strong as you, and time isn't on your side. At a point in the movie, Craig shows signs of slight arrogance which seems perfectly natural for a man given the circumstances.

2. Even great leaders are vulnerable to giving up. Towards the end of the movie, while being chased by Nazis, Craig gives up all hopes and is clueless about his next move.

3. The weakest of the people may emerge the strongest in the toughest times. When Craig gives up, his younger brother, who is shown emotionally weak earlier, emboldens him and saves the day.

Such movies invariably make me wonder when the Indian film industry will evolve to some quality cinema. I think the Indian audience is now ready for such movies but we hardly find them here in bollywood. I sometimes wonder if our movie makers are just incapable of it or is it that others are just too good. Well, I believe actions speak louder than words, and this is what they seem to be screaming. It is high time for our film industry to exhibit some 'defiance'.

Give me red...

The title reminds me of eveready battery ads that used to be telecasted on doordarshan when I was a kid. They used to be one of the most stylish ads of those times. But this blog is not about my nostalgia of eveready battery ads, it is about the 'Red rage' that has caught the Indian market lately.

A professor of marketing once mentioned in his pre lecture trivia that he has been noticing excessive red lately. He mentioned the increasing number of red cars on the road these days and also mentioned a store in Mumbai which only sells products that are red in color (which I found weird). A year later, I started to feel an excess of the colour red around me and his words echoed in my mind. I thought it was probably the effect of Vodafone paiting India red. After all, Vodafone and Airtel are undoubtedly the most noticed brands because of the number of hoardings and stickers they put up in all possible places. But these brands have always been red, so I kept musing until I noticed a trend that I assume is worth a mention here. A lot of brands have been turning red lately. UTI bank changed its name to Axis bank and turned its logo red. Kingfisher acquired Air Deccan and renamed the airline Kingfisher Red. India Post launched its new Red & yellow logo. Reliance Fresh has red as the base colour on its outlets. Reliance has been using green, blue, red and white for years. The new logo has the same colour scheme, but the background has been smartly turned red to increase the Redness. The UB group recently launched Romanov Red, a sub-premium vodka brand. A small red addition was the LG scarlet LCD TV series.

We all know that red is the most easily noticable colour and is usually associated with danger and sex appeal. but when I tried to find out the reason why marketers have this eternal love for red, I discovered that red enhances metabolism, increases respiration rate and raises blood pressure, which clearly explains the aforementioned associations.

The urban legend about The Coca Cola Company turning the green Santa red has been forgotten long ago. But with all the brands joining the Red bandwagon, I wonder what Indian folklorists will come up with. A secret society of marketers conspiring the color cues to trigger a consumption revolution...who knows...

Understanding Technology

I wrote my last management exam the day before. It was on strategic management of technology. I somehow managed to write an answer to some shitty question dealing with understanding technology. But that was in the books...in real life...I think technology is the most abused whore of this millenium...thats what I wanted to write...n I had even had thought of some examples to fetch extra points...

Digicams: The digitization of photography surely saved all of us a lot of bucks on the film rolls and positives, and a lot of time too. I've seen people shooting 5-6 stills for a single pose. I mean if you suck so much at photography, why don't you let someone else do it...why insult the camera. A mule can probably click a better picture in lesser attempts. They have also taken abstract photography to new heights. I frequently find pictures with weird angles and exposures and I have to sit and delete half of the photos before copying them to my hard drive. Thanks to more than half of the people of my generation who have taken up photography as an 'active' (rather hyperactive) hobby lately. And those misconceived bunch of fucks who either want to be in every single picture clicked in their presence or want a picture with anyone and everyone within a sixteen mile radius of the camera...it is like a dream come true for them. One picture with Tom, one with Dick and one with Harry...

Cellphones: These are undoubtedly the most useful invention of our time. No other technology has transformed our lives like these. And with cellphone prices and tarriffs going down by the hour, everyone owns a cellphone now. Some fucks use it like a call center employee and keep talking as much as they can...thanks to the free calls tarriff plans. But these fucks at least keep the use restricted to attending calls. There are these newly founds bunch of fucks who use their cellphone as a music players and they piss me off the most. Go to a quiet place around and you'll find someone flashing his cellphone light and the next moment a loud cacophony starts polluting the environment. These motherfuckers can spend a few grands on the cellphone, but they wont spend a penny on a headset...cuz they want to show the world that they have arrived. Now this brings me to the next citation...

Handsfree Headsets: Another appreciable invention which can be of tremendous help when it comes to multi-tasking. These are still on the road to commoditization, but are frequently abused by many of our fellow-earthlings. If you find some sane looking strangers lookin at you, talking to you like you have known each other since ages, don't be surprized. They are the prized possesors of one of the greatest inventions of mankind...a handsfree headset...and they are not talkin to you. Well...I can still take it with a pinch of salt if they are on call 24x7, but a few of these (especially the ones with bluetooth headsets) just keep them on like a life support system. Fucks like these should be turned into cyborgs and then their electromechanical parts should be short circuited.

I think I would have scored full points for this answer, how many would you gimme? :)

Whats your status?

Since its launch, Google Talk has been spreading like a virus among internet users, making Gtalk status messages the new fad. I don't have problems with the concept of status messages, in fact I have no problems with any other form of expressing yourself, be it t shirt quotes, or even body arts. Its just that the chat buffs are taking it to the next level. I thought it would be unfair to not share it with the rest of the world and if possible stop the insanity from spreading in the act. Here's how I read some of these 'status' messages:

I'm so mysterious: These are donned by totally jobless people who need other jobless people to talk to. So they come up with shitty meaningless status messages which raise serious doubts about their sanity and force you to ping them and find out. After uncovering enough shit hidden beneath these status messages, you'd rather let them carry the mystery to their grave.

I got attitude: These are from people who think they can develop, or at least portray an attitude to us lesser mortals, just by putting up a fancy one liner as their status message. Some of these half-witted, imbecile freaks go to the extent of searching one-liners on the web. WTF!

I am the reason: These are the people who like to live a parallel life on the internet. They are online 24x365. They probably have a misconception that their staying online is the sole reason why Gtalk is surviving and hence they come up with status messages like "Zzzzzz...." or "not at my desk" or "out for lunch" or some shit like that. I don't know and don't want to know why people stay online while asleep or eating or whatever the fuck they are doing while they are away from the computer. No matter what the reason is, I declare it absolutely irrational even before someone tells me. Why the fuck do thye have offline messages at all?

I am Red: I've seen enough sports fanatics, but the Man-U fans always catch my attention with their overblown status messages during every season with the Reds' logo in their display pictures. These messages frequently consist of some bombastic remark meant to humiliate fans of other clubs (read Chelsea). They are so fuckin obsessed, they will even lick a baboon's ass to exhibit their love for the Reds.

Luckily there are a few normal people (blessed souls) who keep status messages which actually tell their status (like 'available' or 'busy' or 'DND' or the song thats playing). Some others keep some interesting links or anything good that happened in their life recently. Then there are literature lovers who balance the shit with some nice enlightening quotes from great philosophers and writers. God ain't that unfair after all...

Mind Your Language

I have always had respect for languages. I guess that is why I used to pass most of the language papers with flying colours in school. Being the son of a literature graduate and a poet, that was the least I could have done.

It was only recently that I realized how far have I come from the school boy who wrote 'Wren & Martin' english, superb hindi and could write sanskrit with lesser mistakes than most of the guys of his age. Nine years since, every now and then, I find myself struggling for minutes to think of the hindi translations of most english words, with a shamefully low success rate. Ashamed of my lingual state, I started to use hindi words in daily conversations, only to see the clueless expressions of the listeners. Soon after, disgusted by the level of hindi that people of my generation can understand, I shared my pain with a friend whose knowledge of hindi has always made me bow. He was the only one who could possibly understand my agony as I witness the slow and painful death of my mother tongue. Together, we discussed my concern over this unfortunate state of the language, looking for people or things to blame.

We were not sure if we could blame the educational institutions, every board has hindi as a subject after all. May be its the parents who have gone berserk over their kids' spoken english (nobody bothers if the little devils can write properly). The result is a bunch of jack-of-all student, who sucks at hindi and is a little more than satisfactory at english. My second concern was that umpteen number of Urdu words have polluted hindi (no offences to urdu speakers). Urdu has gelled in so well with hindi that most 'jack-of-all's can hardly tell the difference. My friend blamed this entirely on Bollywood. And I think it is justified, urdu is undoubtedly the most romantic language. I mean, imagine a bollywood song in pure hindi, it will sound more like a shloka than a song. Come to think of it, even Hollywood is doing its part in degrading the level of english. And so we have a mix of American, British and ebonics accents here.

After we were done with blaming, we chatted in hindi to contribute to the noble cause of saving a language from extinction (or at least delaying the extinction). I also decided to speak hindi more often, and guess what...it works better than urdu to flirt ;-)